Growing up with an Emotionally Immature Parent
- Meredith Futernick-Gerak, LPC, ACS, C-BSP, C-PAT
- Aug 24
- 2 min read
For many adults I work with, there’s a quiet ache that feels hard to name. It often shows up as self-doubt, shame, or difficulty trusting relationships even when life looks “together” from the outside.
When we dig deeper, we find a common thread: growing up with parents who were physically present but emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or self-absorbed. Psychologist Lindsay Gibson coined the phrase “emotionally immature parents” to describe this dynamic (Gibson, 2015).
The Impact of Emotional Immaturity
Children rely on caregivers not just for food and shelter, but also for emotional attunement; someone who notices, names, and helps regulate their feelings. When this doesn’t happen, the child learns that staying quiet, keeping the peace, becoming hyper-responsible, or disconnecting from their own needs is necessary to survive.
These strategies may be adaptive in childhood. But in adulthood, they can leave us struggling with:
Trouble identifying or trusting our feelings
Chronic guilt or people-pleasing
Fear of setting boundaries
An inner critic that won’t quiet down
Feeling “on the outside” of closeness, even in relationships we care about
What We Know from Research
Research on childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) show that more than half of adults report at least one adverse childhood experience, and emotional neglect is among the most common (Felitti et al., 1998; Stoltenborgh et al., 2013). Adults who grew up with emotional neglect are at higher risk of depression, anxiety, and insecure attachment patterns (Norman et al., 2012).
Moving Toward Healing
Our brains and bodies are highly intelligent and capable of learning new patterns. Non-pathologizing and client-led modalities like Brainspotting, somatic focused therapy, parts work, and Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy give us tools to repair the relationship we have with ourselves, and in turn, with others.
This fall, I’ll be introducing a new group experience designed specifically for adults who resonate with these themes. Each month we’ll explore one step in a 9-part framework for reconnecting with ourselves, building resilience, and reshaping how we show up in relationships. It’s not about pathologizing the past. It’s about honoring the protective strategies that helped us survive, while creating space for more freedom, connection, and compassion in the present.
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